My soon-to-be ex-husband was helping me paint the outside of our house in preparation for putting it on the market. I noticed that the neighbors across the street were chatting with him and pointedly ignoring me.
When they left, I said, “Guess you got the neighbors in the divorce.”
“Did you want them?” He asked.
The strange part was they rarely talked to him before that day, while I had spent considerable time listening to them. They really didn’t know either one of us, but based on little information felt this need to choose a side. Since we were both moving away, the consequences were negligible. If I had remained, other neighbors could have joined them, attempting to make my life after marriage miserable with malicious gossip and ostracizing me and my children.
Our neighbors across the street weren’t the only people to take sides during our divorce, which was odd. When did the ending of a marriage between two people turn into a team sport? It brought back those traumatizing memories from childhood when team captains would pick their players one-by-one until that one poor little kid stood alone, rejected not by one team, but by two. At least this picking of people has a purpose, to get the best players on your team in order to win. There can also be a popularity factor, wanting your friends to play on your team.
Popularity is key as we enter high school. When I started at a new high school, the leader of the “popular people” clique thought she was doing me a favor by advising me not to talk to other girls that this group apparently found unworthy. So now conditions were being put on picking. I would only be accepted into the group if other people controlled who I was allowed to talk to. I wasn’t willing to make this sacrifice.
The political power play of picking gets more complex as we grow older. Now is the time to get picky about picking. Your future happiness may be determined by which village you attempt to join: a religious organization, a political party, business organizations, volunteer organizations, self-help groups, country clubs, etc. Be warned, adults put self-interest first and foremost and just because you pick them doesn’t mean they will return the favor. You may end up like that poor little kid that never got picked by either team. So, tread carefully down this prickly path.
The art of picking isn’t for the meek of heart. Similar to warfare, there are all sorts of unwritten rules that must be followed, or you will be properly punished. Rule number one: Don’t think for yourself. The group leaders will do this for you and all you have to do is follow whatever is dictated. Rule number two: Check all personal values and integrity at the door. The group will tell you what your values will now be, and integrity just gets in the way of achieving key targets. Rule number three: When a member of the group attempts to question or speak out against a decision of leadership, it is your responsibility to blindly unify with other members and eliminate this perceived threat. Since there are a number of other rules that aren’t made public, the best course of action is to sit quietly during all meetings and events. Even what may seem to be harmless “small talk,” may be viewed as dangerous or offensive speech. Leaders will state that they want to hear from people and are open to innovative ideas, but don’t fall into this trap. Just smile and nod. Diversity and innovation are the mortal enemies of conformity.
My beloved godmother, who respected and lived by the village rules once told me, “That my life would be easier if I didn’t speak out.” You see, my life has been littered with groups that have ganged-up and eliminated me for not following the rules. But someone needs to be speak-out against injustice, and if getting ousted is the consequence for retaining self-respect and integrity, so be it. I’m quite content to limit my picking these days to the apples, peaches and pears that grow on the trees in our yard.
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