Learning to Read

Children today read at a very early age.  When I was a child in kindergarten, learning colors was the big deal.  Reading didn’t come until first grade.  “See Spot.  See Jane.  See Dick and Jane.”

In 1955, I entered kindergarten in the Vail Public School at the age of four.  I would turn five a month after school began.  Catholic schools didn’t provide kindergarten in the 1950s.

My memory of kindergarten is rather shaky, but as an adult, my mom filled in some details.  One of those memories was precious.

The kindergarten teacher was Mrs. Boeck.  She talked to mom one day and told her that I had an exceptional memory.  Would mom help me to memorize the words in a book so that I could pretend to narrate while other kindergartners acted out the story of the book?  Mom agreed.

By the way, I did have a unique memory.  I can’t say that it was a photographic memory or that I had perfect recall, but I never had a calendar to write things down until I was in my forties.  Then, I wrote things down on the calendar because that is what people did.  I was also whiz at Trivial Pursuit.  I remembered things that didn’t matter.

Mom didn’t help me memorize; she taught me how to read.  I was far ahead of my classmates in that respect.  Several of them caught up to me as we progressed through elementary school.  Many surpassed me in high school.  My fault – I never truly applied myself.

The big night came in the kindergarten room.  All the parents were assembled in big people chairs.  The kindergarten chairs were arranged in the front to represent trees.  It was an imaginary forest.  No longer do I remember the story, but I do recall Anne and Glen as two of the main characters.

Mom was proud.  She told me that my aunt thought her son should have had the role of narrating the story.  He didn’t get the part that was mine, but he may have had a more memorable part in the event that evening.  Immediately prior to the beginning, mom said you could hear him yell as loud as anything: “I have to go to the toilet.”  I guess my aunt nudged her husband, my uncle, and said: “you take him.”

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Christmas Memories

Christmas Was Magic

— Stephanie

When I was a small child, my parents would put up the tree Christmas Eve and hang the stockings. So when I went to bed, everything was empty and barren. Coming down the stairs Christmas morning, the tree would be lit up and filled with decorations, candy canes and tinsel. Presents were piled high all around the tree and the stockings were filled, sometimes overflowing. A toy train would be chugging along, tooting its horn as it circled the tree on its metal tracks. It was easy to believe in Santa. The funny thing is I don’t remember any one specific gift that I received as a child, it was the tree that was so
incredibly magical for me.

This was a cherished tradition, passed along from my mother’s family. It would have been wonderful if my children could have experienced this kind of magic, but with marriage comes compromise and their father wanted the tree up early and decorated so that he could enjoy it before Christmas. My parents enjoyed the tree well after Christmas, one year it was still up right before Easter. At that point, it was pretty much a fire hazard.

My children probably wouldn’t have relished the contents of my stocking. Every year there would be a quarter in the toe, an orange and the filling would be mixed nuts in the shell. There would be new socks and a plastic candy cane filled with chocolate candies, but that was it. For me, it was perfect. My kids, they would probably have considered it child neglect.

My favorite Christmas was when I found a twenty-dollar bill at church a couple weeks before the holiday. No one claimed it so the minister gave it to me. That was a lot of money back then and I was able to buy my two older brothers, three older sisters and my parents all presents that year. Watching them open my gifts filled me with such joy. Yes, that was the best Christmas of all.

The Christmas Bicycle

— Marty

For as long as I can remember, opening Christmas presents at the Ryan home occurred on Christmas Eve.  Santa Claus came in from the basement.  Odd, don’t you think?  Of course, we didn’t have a fireplace.  My cousin made fun of us because their house had a fireplace and Santa could come in through the dirty old chimney.

The big mystery on Christmas Eve was “who is playing Santa this year.”  It began with John Kenney and ended with Tom Meehan and a few other guys in between.  I always waited to see Santa lift his faux cotton beard to take a shot of whiskey that he was offered in the kitchen, out of sight from the kids.  I spotted this tradition by accident.

One year, as the presents were being brought up from the basement, I noticed a gift that was too large for wrapping paper.  It was a red and white 28-inch bicycle.  That had to be mine.  I focused on nothing more than that bicycle, waiting in unbridled anticipation of whose name would be called when that present was handed out.  The owner of that bicycle was the last name called – Marty.

The bicycle was leaning against the cupboard in the kitchen by the portal leading to the living room, where everyone was gathered.  That was the first time I had seen the whiskey tradition.  It was my annual ritual from that Christmas Eve until I left home.

But the bike.  What a beautiful bicycle it was.  The frame consisted of three small, curved bars rather than the solid straight bar most bicycles had of that time.  The handlebars were innovative as well.  It was sleek.  I couldn’t wait to get on it and ride.

I was into assembling model car and trucks at the time, so I had paint for plastic models.  Because I couldn’t ride the bike in the winter, I brought it to the basement and carefully painted white stripes on every part of the red bike that made up the frame.  When finished, it looked like a peppermint cane.  My mom was not pleased.  But, hey!  It’s my bike!  Even though I didn’t believe in Santa Claus, this bike was between me and Santa; mom had nothing to do with it.

I had that bike until I was old enough to drive a car.  From the first warm day in late winter to the first cold day in early winter, I was on that bike.  It had to be the best Christmas present a boy could want.  That boy was me!

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WildCat


The following essay was previously published in the Prairie Progressive

Three feral cats have adopted our backyard natural habitat. One is an old tiger-striped tom that’s been wandering the neighborhood for years. The other two showed up last summer as adorable
black kittens, one male, one female, scrounging the ground for any leftover birdseed. Wild birds have flocked to our yard for ages and the cats upset the habitat’s balance and my serenity. So
every morning before sunrise, you’ll find me feeding cats, followed by the birds, hoping that full stomachs deter the cats from attacking the birds. The two male cats get it, they eat and go off for naps. The female cat, like clockwork eats the soft food, leaps off the deck to partake of the bird seed course and then goes hunting for dessert. One morning, she gave me her yellow-eyed feline stare while gripping a dead sparrow in her mouth, clearly communicating, “What did you expect? Cats will be cats.”

The instinct to hunt, the challenge of outsmarting your prey isn’t reserved for wildlife. Sports is where we can observe the culture of the wild played out by civilized men. Football even has a wildcat formation. It’s designed to confuse the defense by replacing the traditional quarterback lineup with a different positional player to take the snap from the center. It isn’t used much, because savvy defenses have learned how to defend against it. But that’s the intriguing part of football, the quest to figure out a way to win by outsmarting your opponents, without breaking the rules or at least not getting caught.

Coach Bill Belichick with the New England Patriots has won six Super Bowl rings; more than any other coach. He said he thought he was within the rules when operation Spygate was exposed. During a game with the New York Jets on September 9, 2007, New England
videotaped the Jets defensive coaches’ play signals from New England’s sideline, which was considered an unauthorized location by the National Football League (NFL). Belichick was given the maximum fine ($500,000), the team was fined $250,000 and lost its first round draft pick.

Quarterback Tom Brady has won seven Super Bowls, yet he was suspended four games for being the mastermind behind Deflategate. He allegedly ordered the deflation of footballs before the 2014 American Football Conference against the Indianapolis Colts, thereby giving the Patriots an edge and winning the game. The team was fined $1 million dollars and lost 2 draft picks.

Please, don’t bring up Bountygate to a Minnesota Vikings fan. The New Orleans Saints were punished for paying out bounties to intentionally injure opposing players. It reportedly took place from 2009 to 2011. Minnesota fans continue to stew over the 2009 NFC Championship game, where Vikings quarterback Brett Favre was repeatedly targeted and eventually seriously injured by the Saints players. New Orleans went on to win the Super Bowl that year. Upon discovery of the numerous premeditated assaults, the NFL commissioner doled out punishment to the coaching staff: Head coach Sean Payton was suspended for the 2012 season; defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was suspended indefinitely, but this would be overturned the next year; and general manager Mickey Loomis was suspended for the first eight games in 2012. The team was fined and gave up a couple draft picks. The Super Bowl win still stands.

In comparison to these other Super Bowl champions, Aaron Rodgers’ behavior is strikingly mild. He could be dubbed the king of winning games by drawing the opposing team into penalties. Rodgers is known for tricking the defense to jump off sides, catching twelve men on the field during substitutions and the infamous Hail Mary throw down the field to draw a pass interference call. It wins games and it doesn’t break the rules.

Rodgers drew heavy criticism by bucking against the NFL vaccination policies. After testing positive for COVID, it surfaced that he wasn’t vaccinated but had earlier told reporters who asked about his vaccination status, “Yeah, I’m immunized.” Last summer, Rodgers brought a holistic approach as an alternative to vaccination to the NFL. He was turned down.

Some players will remain vaccine hesitant; their bodies are their livelihoods. When
asymptomatic, unvaccinated Vikings safety Harrison Smith tested positive for COVID at the same time vaccinated Vikings offensive lineman Dakota Dozier wound up hospitalized, it doesn’t help the vaccination argument.

NFL players aren’t the only organisms looking for loopholes. COVID continues to mutate as its survival competes against vaccines. Wouldn’t it make more sense to learn from the pandemic and develop policies that promote a healthy work environment that applies to everyone, so that players, coaches and staff can protect themselves from all illnesses, instead of being politically polarized by COVID? But who am I to judge? I’m the one out there every morning doing my daily exercise in feral futility.

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Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Read No Evil

Censorship: “the suppression or prohibition of any parts of books, films, news, etc. that are considered obscene, politically unacceptable, or a threat to security.”

What is so attractive about shutting down the ability of another to read, see, or hear what may be offensive to you but not to others?

I feel like we’re back in the 1980s when government attempted to shut down rap music, performance artists, photography by Robert Mapplethorpe, and books that had been banned in earlier decades.

President Reagan’s Attorney General, Edwin Meese, established the Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography in 1986.  It was commonly known as The Meese Commission. “At the end, the commission issued a bulky two-volume report, much of it consisting of detailed narrations of the plots of pornographic movies dutifully set down by FBI agents who’d been assigned to view them – at taxpayers’ expense, of course.”  Not one of those FBI agents turned into a sexual predator.  However, the commissioners believed dysfunctional predators who had testified to the commission that “Porn made me do it.”  It was laughable.  More laughable was the fact that former Attorney General John Ashcroft had blue drapes made to cover the bare breasts of Lady Justice.

Recently, Toni Morrison’s book, Beloved, was the focus of a political advertisement in the campaign for governor in Virginia.  The novel, a Pulitzer Prize winner, is an “unflinchingly look into the abyss of slavery.”  A woman in the advertisement “describes how her 17-year-old [white] son was traumatized” by reading the book as it was assigned in a high school class.  The boy’s mother wants the book banned from the Fairfax, VA, schools.  Well, slavery wasn’t exactly as honorable as you might think.  It goes to show that not all books are banned because of sexual innuendo or content.  But most books are banned because of embarrassing sexual information.

Waukee, Iowa, parents are upset that books found in a school’s library are inappropriate for students of all ages [Des Moines Register, Friday, Oct. 29, 2021. Section C, Metro & Iowa].  Librarians choose books for a variety of reasons.  The Register article did not indicate where the questionable books were found.  It is very possible that the books were in the reference section.  And if you remember from high school, or even notice at public libraries, reference books are not available for check out.  Books that depict graphic images, explicit sexual content, and violent passages should be considered for viewing with assistance from an adult that can intellectually serve as a guide to the adolescent.

There are many ways to deal with printed material, movies, and music that may raise an eyebrow.  Adults are responsible for talking to their children about sex, their bodies, respect, and boundaries.  It’s not an easy task, but whoever said being a parent was a breeze?  In my day, we had to learn everything on the street.  And it wasn’t always pretty, nor was it explained in terms that were educational, respectful, and honest.  This matter is not like telling a kid there’s no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.  No, snickering was an essential cog of the street learning process.

Curiosity has been around since cats evolved.  Adolescents should be able to bring questions to their parents without worrying about consequences.  In the Register article mentioned above, a parent found a book in his son’s backpack “about a boy who lives with his grandparents and is searching to discover the truth about his family.”  The parent said: “I cannot write what I saw but found 33 different pages that contained sexual and or slanderous/vulgar content that if spoken in my house would be grounds for immediate discipline.”  [Emphasis added.]  I pity that young man who lives in his father’s house and not his parents’ home.

When I was a young boy, a group of us (boys and girls) sat around a HiFi set and listened to a couple of LP albums found in a stack of a girl’s mother’s records.  One was recorded by Redd Foxx.  If you grew up in the 1960s you know how dirty Foxx could be, but funny.  Another album we listened to was “Banned in Boston.”  Funny as hell.  None of us had adverse reactions to the material in those LPs.

Supreme Court Associate Justice Potter Stewart is credited with saying: “I know pornography when I see it, but I cannot define it.”  He didn’t say that.  It has been paraphrased to mean that, however.  What he did say was “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description [“hard-core pornography”], and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it, and the motion picture involved in this case is not that.”  [If you’re interested, the movie was The Lovers, a 1958 French film by director Louis Malle.]

When books, music, and films are censored, they go underground.  When anything goes underground, it’s impossible to control.  That’s where the devil lives, isn’t it?

I read Catcher in the Rye when I was young.  I didn’t think it was that great of a book.  I read it again later in life to see what I missed because it had been banned so many times.  I still didn’t get it.  Not only that, but once again, I didn’t think it was that great a piece of literature.  I’m surprised no adult stopped me from reading Wild in the Streets around the same time.  I loved that book, and it had more anti-authoritarian passages than Catcher in the Rye.

Decades ago, if a book, play, movie, or music was banned in Boston it was an indication that the material was on its way to being a best seller.

I’m sending my first book to Boston in hope that the Watch and Ward Society will recommend that it be banned.

 

Related blog:  Censorship Sucks!

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Driving Me Nuts

A recent article in the Des Moines Register, Iowa drivers are the worst in the nation, according to insurance comparison website QuoteWizard, was an interesting read.  I really didn’t have to read it; I know Iowa drivers are the worst.  I do, however, have trouble believing insurance companies.

A few weeks ago, I had a guy in a fairly new red pickup truck pass me on the passenger side of my car.  We were both traveling down a two-way three-lane street, the middle lane for left turns only.  He passed me while squeezing into the bicycle lane.  I didn’t think there was enough room between me and the curb, but he managed to avoid scratching either vehicle.  I saw him coming.  Not that long ago, the street was a four-lane street with two lanes going east and two going west.  No one likes this new traffic pattern, but the city road engineers claim it will slow down traffic in the neighborhood.  Their claim has been proven.  Now it’s time to change back to the original four-lane street before the boiling blood of road ragers have it out on the rest of us.

The worst experience on any Iowa road is a situation in which a driver pulls out in front of you, requiring you to slow down.  There was no one behind you.  She could have waited until you passed through the intersection.  But no, she now must slow down to make a left turn, and the traffic coming your way has no foreseeable end in sight.  So, you wait, and wait, and wait.  There is a vehicle in sight – about a half-mile away in the opposite lane, but be patient.  Sometime later in the day that opposite lane will be clear as a bell.  Meanwhile, twenty or thirty cars behind you are getting pissed.  Not at her – at you!

If the preceding experience is not the worst, how about the occasion where a person is behind you, passes you and immediately slams on the brakes to take a right turn that results in you having to hit your brakes?  Or a left turn?  It seems as though passing you gained them an extra eleven seconds.  Why does this happen all too often?

I often see a tailgater in my rear-view mirror who looks like he could take my head off, swerving back and forth to show me that he is going to pass me as soon as he sees an opening.  When he sees the opportunity, he guns it past me and practically runs me in the ditch as he cuts in front of me.  The next time I see him he is in the inside lane and I’m in the outside lane at the same traffic light.  I love it when the light turns green, and he is stuck behind a vehicle whose driver is one of the geeks described in a paragraph above; slowing down considerably to make a right or left turn or to get into the other lane.  Be prepared.  He will soon be swerving behind you again, ready to pass at the next chance he gets.  Don’t look.  He’ll probably be fingering you as he zooms past you.

Last week, as I entered a four-lane divided highway, the woman in a car that sped past me as I entered the freeway was on the phone.  She had no idea that I was coming up the ramp.  That’s okay, it happens frequently, and I am supposed to yield.  However, she began riding on the shoulder of the road, then back on the outside lane, then she ended up on the left shoulder of the road . . . You can’t pass people like that.  I don’t think she was drunk or high, her problem was controlling the vehicle with a phone in her hand.  I wasn’t the only one avoiding her.  Why do drivers like that get away with their dangerous antics?

Driving down Douglas Avenue on the north side of Des Moines, we witnessed two vehicles behind us who were side-bumping each other trying to be the lead car in the single lane after the road became a 3-lane road upon being a four-lane road.  This is another example of the city road engineers deciding what’s best for the commuters in Des Moines.  From the mirrors, we could see that it was like a demolition derby.  One car bouncing off the other.  One of the vehicles attempted to make the other stop after the incident by traveling at a higher rate of speed down the middle turn lane.  We had to suspect that the incident was caused because both drivers wanted to gain an advantage to be in front on the single lane road.  It was time to slow down, make a left turn, and get onto the back streets.  You never know when one of the vehicles’ occupants might have a loaded weapon.

I know I’m getting old.  I sound like one of the old people I once made fun of.  Damn!  I didn’t want to be like that, but I am.  I am the parent in the Progressive commercials that Dr. Rick warns us about.

Have I ever been one of “those” people above?  Apart from the Douglas Avenue incident, probably.  I live in Iowa.  We’re the worst drivers, don’t cha know?

 

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Picking Trouble

George Powers was a neighbor.  He lived on the southern end of our block, two houses away.  Johanna Scanlon lived between us.

George’s property contained a small orchard.  He had a pear tree, a peach tree, a couple of different apple trees, and two beautiful cherry trees.  I often climbed the cherry trees and sat in them, eating cherries with delight until George came out the back door and yelled, “you damn kids get out of those trees!”

I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but hey, that’s what confession was for.  “Bless me father for I have sinned.  I ate cherries from the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil” in George’s backyard.”  What I didn’t know was that I could be imprisoned or be required to pay a fine.  The 1958 Iowa Code states (in part) that if “any person (I suppose that could be an 8 year old kid) . . . mischievously enter the inclosure [sic] of another with intent to knock off, pick, destroy, or carry away  . . . any fruit or flower of any tree, . . . he shall be fined for the first offense not less than five nor more than one hundred dollars, with the costs of conviction, or be imprisoned in the county jail not exceeded thirty days.”  Mom would be pissed.  However, it would be one less mouth to feed for a month, and in those days, that could have been a big savings.

My fruit pilfering didn’t end at George Powers’ orchid.  Johanna had some of the best rhubarb I have ever seen in my life.  I would pull a stalk of it occasionally, rip off the big leaf on one end, the bright red root from the other, and peel back the outer skin.  What was left was the sour tasting green fruit within.  It made me pucker, but I loved that stuff.  I was more afraid of George than Johanna.  Not until I was older would I realize how poor she was.  Looking back, I often wonder if she had electricity.  I never saw a light on in her home.  She once paid me something like a nickel to bring in some heating oil from a 50-gallon drum outside her back door.  Upon entering her kitchen, I noticed a lack of any furniture other than the table positioned up against the east window and a chair next to it.  I often saw her reading a newspaper at that window.  There were some stacked newspapers, but that was it.  I can’t recall seeing a refrigerator or range/oven.  I am going to assume that she used newspaper and other inflammable materials to burn in order to stay warm – or, as I believe now to keep from freezing.

Jail for carving initials on desks

Another 1958 law that caught my attention was one that was punished with a fine or imprisonment in the county jail for willfully writing, making marks, or drawing characters on any schoolhouse, or on any furniture, “or willfully injure or deface the same.”  I attended St. Ann’s Grade School.  Our desks were probably made in the 1800s.  Each desk had an inkwell.  How long has it been since you used a fountain pen?  The sides of the desks were heavy black wrought iron and the seats folded up when you didn’t need it.  You could easily fit two children in a desk at once, and it happened more than you think.

From grade one through eight, every desk I was assigned had carving from a previous student.  I imagine some of them were dead.  Those former students could have been imprisoned for defacing those desks.  It’s difficult to determine when those carvings were made, but when I was in school, none of us carried pocketknives, at least, not to my knowledge.  Besides, if the nun teaching the class caught you, the punishment could have been beyond corporal and close to capital.  It could have been worse if Father Clark was going to be involved.

Juvenile delinquency

Juveniles of 1958 didn’t have a chance.  Look at these definitions of a juvenile delinquent.  Habitually violating any “town or city ordinance?”  Curfews were meant to be violated.

Section 232.3 “Delinquent child” defined. The term “delinquent child” means any child:

    1. Who violates any law of this state punishable as a felony or indictable misdemeanor, or habitually violates any other state law or any town or city ordinance.
    2. Who is incorrigible.
    3. Who knowingly associates with thieves, or vicious or immoral persons.
    4. Who is growing up in idleness or crime.
    5. Who knowingly frequents a house of ill fame.
    6. Who patronizes any policy shop or place where any gaming device is located.
    7. Who habitually wanders about any railroad yards or tracks, gets upon any moving train, or enters any car or engine without lawful authority.

Some of those immoral persons (C) were relatives – uncles, cousins, parents.

That reference to “idleness” (D) must have been to encourage child labor.  And what Madam would allow a teenager to frequent a brothel (E)?  Maybe one with money and curiosity?

A policy shop (F) is defined as “a gambling place where one may bet on numbers which will be drawn in lotteries.”  No convenience store in Iowa would be safe for a kid today.

What kid in a town with railroad tracks (G) didn’t wander “about any railroad yards or tracks, get upon any moving train, or enter any car or engine without lawful authority?”  Every kid I knew in Vail had to put a penny on a rail to see it get smushed by a train traveling through.  We all played in empty boxcars, grain cars, and under the railroad bridge.

It was a rugged life in 1958.  Staying out of trouble was about as difficult in 1958 as Huckleberry Finn had it in the middle of the 19th Century.

 

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