Can It!

Posted on August 21, 2023 by Marty Ryan

In 2009, I won a blue ribbon at the Iowa State Fair for my caramels. It was my mom’s recipe, and it took me several tries to get them to taste and be the same consistency as hers. But the State Fair was not my original goal.

I made a batch of caramels one weekend, and since a batch makes approximately 100 individual caramels (depending upon how you cut them), we had far too many caramels for ourselves. So, I brought about half of them to the Capitol. Legislators and lobbyists will eat anything. I put them in a community candy dish in the House Lobby Lounge. A few minutes later I was approached by Lana Shope. Lana is everything Fair. She asked if I made them. Oh, oh. I hope she’s not sick from them. After I let her know that I did indeed make them, she told me that she had tasted blue ribbon winners from the Iowa State Fair and that I should enter them in the next contest.

That summer, I made a batch and read the instructions for entering a sample. Suzette’s, a candy maker on Ingersoll Avenue (now closed), sponsored one of two contests. It’s judges met on a Tuesday. I noticed that my sample was set aside with the dozen or more others that were obviously rejected. We peeked at the comments. “Not arranged proportionally, too soft.” No one told me that each piece had to be cut symmetrically to the other three. And “soft” was the point.

The next contest was the following Friday, and was sponsored by Land O’ Lakes. First place offered the prize of a year’s supply of butter. So, I made another batch, cut the caramels using a ruler, placed the four pieces on a small paper plate, and changed the title of the recipe to “Mom’s Old-Fashioned Soft Caramels.” My marketing career was born that day. I won the blue ribbon and received twelve coupons worth one pound of butter each. I ran out before the year was over, but I’m not complaining.

This year, I decided to enter three contests. I have been making my own salsa and canning it for several years. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just buy it at the grocery store? Yes, but the point about canning is that you can have the best on hand whenever you like.

Contest rules demand that all ingredients are fresh. We’ve always had a few tomatoes, but this year we grew a few more than other years. I’ve realized that purchasing peppers and onions at the store is more efficient than growing them. And I checked the expiration date on the tomato paste to know that it was fresh, as well. Salsa would be one of my entries.

Similar to salsa, I make my own pasta sauce, too. Spaghetti sauce is a class in one of the divisions within the Food Department at the Fair, so spaghetti sauce would be another entry.

Finally, I struggle to make good jelly. Too many times it doesn’t set up. However, this year I made a good batch of black raspberry jelly from the invasive plants in our backyard. It was good enough to be my third entry.

I didn’t expect the jelly to win anything. The spaghetti sauce was a possibility, but the salsa had to win the blue ribbon. I just knew it.

Stephanie, her daughter Kelly, and I attended the judgement day. First up was the salsa. I had twelve competitors, but I was confident mine would come out on top. We noticed the rejects were being lined up on the northside table near the judges, just like the caramels were fourteen years ago. Was mine on that table? It had to be, because the final three were sitting in front of the judge, and not one of the finalists was a tomato-based salsa. A peach salsa was the winner. We can’t remember what the other two were made from. It doesn’t matter. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Your best is only as good as the discriminatory tastes of the judge.

Next up was the spaghetti sauce. I was watching my vessel. All the jars looked the same, but I followed my entry from the southside table to the judge’s table. I pointed it out to Stephanie and Kelly. About the time the judge opened my entry I was distracted by a guy sitting next to me, wanting to know if I had entered the sauce contest. He had also entered the canned meat contest and was trying to tell me that there was a controversy in that class (I found out later that it was his entry that caused a controversy). I looked back to the judging. Stephanie told me that the judge made a sour face. Well, crap! “Let’s go,” I said. I didn’t need to see my pasta sauce placed on the northside table. We left. But not before we stopped to see the entries into the “Ugliest Cake” category.

I did not show up the following day to watch the jelly judging. I knew it wasn’t very good, and I didn’t need another day of rejection. Later, we went to the Fair with family. I wanted to walk the length of the concourse to see who won those three classes I had entered, and to see if their product looked as good as mine.

David yelled at me: “Marty, here’s your jelly!” I went down to the end of the row to see that my jelly had won a white ribbon. It dawned on me at that moment that I had to have won a ribbon. Blue is first; red is second place; and white is third. A day earlier I checked the competition. There were only three entries in the black raspberry jelly class. Hey! A ribbon at the Iowa State Fair is still a ribbon.

Everyone went to look at the ugly cakes and I searched for the spaghetti sauce result. To my surprise I saw my name on a jar sitting on a red ribbon – second place. What caused that sour face Stephanie and Kelly saw? I had eleven competitors in this contest.

I think canning is a dying art. And yes, it is art.

It’s also addicting. Next year, I’m entering a few pie contests, one for dinner rolls, and whatever else I concoct this fall and winter.

***

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Brain Drain

Posted on August 14, 2023 by Marty Ryan

Have you ever walked into a room and couldn’t remember why you were entering that room? I have the answer as to why that phenomenon is common among us old folks. Bear with me.

It’s no surprise that my annual headaches were visiting me again. They often arrive every year like clockwork, or calendar work, usually around Labor Day. But this year, they are getting to me a month earlier. Ever since I was a little boy, I have experienced severe headaches caused by sinusitis. “Sinusitis is present when the tissue lining the sinuses become swollen or inflamed.”

I first experienced sinusitis when our family planned a week at Blackhawk Lake by Lake View in Sac County. A friend of my mother’s offered her family’s cabin by the lake for us to use. After two days, little Marty was so miserable his pain and discomfort was affecting the entire family. We had to go home. Since that humid, overcast day in my ninth or tenth year, I get the familiar pounding in the head around the first of September. Not this year. It began around the first of August.

So, the doctor ordered a CT scan of my head, and in particular, my sinuses. I have no idea what sort of treatment would be recommended as a follow-up. You can’t remove sinuses; they’re holes in your head – literally. The procedure took a week to schedule and less than two minutes to complete. I received a copy of the results in the mail a few days ago.

“The CT scan of your sinuses was unremarkable.” That unremarkable word threw me for a loop. I thought it was rather rude of the physician assistant who interpreted the results to offer such a deplorable remark. Could it be my understanding of the word “unremarkable” was a misunderstanding? I had to research it.

“Unremarkable is a term that is often used in healthcare to indicate that something is benign. Unremarkable meaning describes the report as normal, which means that there is nothing to report. Nevertheless, it’s a very powerful word used by radiologists that is helpful for medical experts.” Unremarkable also means “ordinary.” Now, that hurts. My sinuses are anything but ordinary.

It was the second paragraph of the letter that made me laugh.

“The head CT showed changes in brain volume. We start losing brain volume in our 30’s and 40’s, and at an increasing rate by age 60.”

It gives new meaning to the platitudes: “If I had half a brain.” Or “air head,” or, “I must be losing my mind!”

I guess that’s why I can never remember where I placed the car keys, or why I went into the kitchen, or . . . where was I going with this?”

My original complaint to the doctor was that I was feeling pressure against my head. Sometimes it felt like a piano was balancing on top of my head. If the volume of brain matter is decreasing, why would I experience pressure? I’m sure the doctor will explain this to me unless he orders more tests.

There’s a lesson in this story. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is. I’m lacking gray matter. And that’s a fact!

***

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Political Baptism II

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Marty Ryan

1987 was a busy year for me in politics. Not only was I the Secretary-Treasurer of the UFCW Iowa Branch and the Secretary-Treasurer of the local union, UFCW Local 440, I was the Chair of the Crawford County Democratic Party. I had contact with most of the Democratic Party presidential candidates that year.

The Iowa Caucuses were scheduled to occur in February of 1988. In the late months of December 1987, I received a call from Denny Colvin, the President of the UFCW Iowa Branch. He told me that Louie DeFriese, President of UFCW Local 431 in Davenport wanted a meeting of the PAC. So, Denny scheduled a meeting of all Iowa Branch local representatives to meet at the union hall in Cedar Rapids, Denny’s local union. I thought it was odd that someone who is not the president would want to schedule a meeting, but then, I didn’t know who Louie DeFriese was. Before I left on a drive to Cedar Rapids, I was informed that Louie was a longtime union organizer/president and a huge donor to the Democratic Party and many of its candidates.

I arrived in Cedar Rapids and learned that the International Union’s political vice-president from Washington, DC, was also invited. The purpose of the meeting was to endorse Michael Dukakis. I said, “wait a minute! I have polled my membership and discovered that ‘undecided’ is the preferred choice of our membership, with Jesse Jackson coming in second.” I may have been naïve, but I could see that DeFriese was looking for some sort of position in the Dukakis White House. We didn’t have a considerable amount of money in the PAC, maybe a few thousand dollars, but I convinced a majority of the other representatives that our money could be better spent on statewide candidates like Dale Cochran for Secretary of Agriculture, Elaine Baxter for Secretary of State, and Jo Ann Zimmerman for Lieutenant Governor.

That summer I received several telephone calls from Senator Paul Simon (D-Ill.) My daughter, Sara, answered the phone in our house – she was a teenager. Sara and Senator Simon became familiar with each other to the point of talking to each other on a first-name basis. Senator Simon impressed me so much when I was at the IFL Convention in Waterloo. I was walking down a hallway in the hotel, and Senator Simon was walking with an entourage toward me. He asked me how Sara was doing. It blew my mind.

I received a FedEx overnight letter from Governor Dukakis asking for my support. Congressperson Gephardt asked my daughter, Erin, to come stand by him during a speech at Cronk’s Café to emphasize the importance of children in the race, and U.S. Senator Joe Biden did the same. I had lunch with the Rev. Jesse Jackson at Cronk’s Café in Denison where he autographed his book for me. He was wearing a bulletproof vest.

The County Democrats had a fundraiser at Yellow Smoke Park, northeast of Denison, and seven candidates showed up: Dukakis, Simon, Jackson, Gephardt, Biden, Arizona Governor Babbitt, and U.S. Senator Al Gore. It was a warm summer day, and more than one candidate quietly told me that Gore was a fool to speak while wearing his wool jacket. The rest had gone as far as rolling up their sleeves and removing their ties. It was a great honor to individually introduce each candidate.

I was politically confirmed at that point in my life. I became the County Chair of the party because I did something no one else had done. At a central committee meeting, the current chair asked if anyone wanted to be in charge of the GOV (Get Out the Vote) Campaign. I volunteered. I didn’t know that previous campaign leaders took the computer printout and did nothing with it. I recruited several people to help me, phones were installed in the union office, and every person on that list was called. On election day, Democrats had won seats in every office of the county, from sheriff to auditor, to county attorney, and supervisor. Crawford County had one elected official that was Republican. We even had a Democratic state senator and representative. Unfortunately, our congressional representative was a Republican (Jim Ross Lightfoot), and so was our governor (Branstad). I was shocked when I was nominated to be the chair, but I also accepted the challenge to keep the county blue. Today, it is bright red! There is one Democrat serving as a county supervisor.

Governor Dukakis was third in the Iowa Caucuses with 22.3 percent. I doubt $2,000 was going to help him win the Iowa Caucuses. Congressperson Gephardt won the Iowa Caucuses that year with 31.1 percent, and U.S. Senator Simon (Ill.) came in second with 26.5 percent.

I wound up caucusing for and being a delegate for “undecided” because there were no other candidates in my caucus who were viable.

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Political Baptism

Posted on July 19, 2023 by Marty Ryan

Naivety has always been one of my strong traits. Almost forty years ago, I was elected as the Secretary-Treasurer of the Iowa Branch for the United Food & Commercial Workers (UFCW). I was also the recently elected Secretary-Treasurer of UFCW Local 440 in Denison, Iowa. I had very little idea of what my responsibilities, duties, or expectations were in either position. I soon found out.

The UFCW Iowa Branch was the Political Action Committee for UFCW unions in Iowa. At one time, there must have been close to twenty different locals in Iowa. Today, there are about eight.

I had the checkbook for the PAC, but that’s about it. I couldn’t write a check unless a meeting was held, and the member locals voted on it. I presumed that much. That didn’t stop State Senator Leonard Boswell from calling me and inviting me to breakfast at Cronk’s Café in Denison before Iowa’s Fifth Congressional District primary in 1986. He was a candidate for that seat in Congress and he had a primary opponent. It was a pleasure to meet the senator and his wife, Doty. As we were finishing breakfast, Leonard asked if I was the secretary-treasurer of the Iowa Branch. I told him I was. “And how much money do you have in the account?” He asked. I told him that we may have had close to two thousand dollars. “I want it.” That’s all he said. I looked up at him from my plate and said “NO!”

I didn’t like the way he ‘asked’ me for the money, but I had to be truthful. I told him that I didn’t think the Branch members were capable of handing money over to a candidate until the candidate was endorsed. I knew nothing about policy, but it seemed reasonable. Besides, I could not make that decision on my own. What was he thinking?

Boswell didn’t get endorsed by Labor, and that was my naivete getting in the way again. His primary opponent in that Congressional race was an attorney from Council Bluffs, Scott Hughes. During the primary season, Boswell was rarely, if at all, in Crawford County. And he certainly wasn’t talking to union members. On the other hand, Hughes was in Crawford County continuously and asked to speak at a union meeting.

On the morning of the Iowa Federation of Labor’s convention to endorse candidates, I met with UFCW delegates individually and asked each if they would cast a vote for “no endorsement” in the Fifth District. I had to get back home that Saturday afternoon and could not stay for the vote.

The following morning, Sunday, I was out mowing the yard when my wife came out and told me that Jim Wengert, Iowa Federation of Labor President, was on the phone. I told her to tell him that I would call back later. She came back out in less than a minute and told me that Jim said, “to shut that fucking mower off and get on the phone!” I complied.

I respected Jim more than any other Labor leader, past or present. But he was not going to get by with bullying me. He told me that I obviously didn’t understand the procedure of the endorsement process[1] and that I had screwed things up. I responded by telling him that I obviously did understand the process and it worked. There was no endorsement for candidates from the Fifth District by the Iowa Fed. Jim told me that Boswell had a Labor record and Hughes didn’t. I could see Jim’s face get red when I told him that Leonard’s Labor record was shitty.

Scott Hughes wound up being the Democratic candidate for the Fifth Congressional District of Iowa that year. He defeated Boswell in the June primary. In November, Hughes would get smeared by incumbent James Ross Lightfoot with fewer than 40 percent of votes cast. Boswell was saved from the embarrassment. I take credit for that.

When I began lobbying the Iowa Legislature in 1992, I met Senator Boswell in the Rotunda. I introduced myself to him and he said, “I know who you are. You jumped ship on me in 1986.” I attempted to discuss it with him, but he walked away.

My relationship with Leonard improved over the time he was a senator at the Iowa Capitol.

Boswell finally made it to Washington, DC, but he had to wait until Lightfoot wasn’t running as an incumbent. Lightfoot was popular in that district. Boswell won the district as Lightfoot took on Tom Vilsack in the governor’s race. Lightfoot’s terrible campaign against a qualified candidate was his last ticket out of politics.

Naivety showed up as a strong personality trait once more when I was an alternate delegate to the Polk County Democratic Special Convention a few years later. The Convention was called to select a candidate for the Democratic ticket to run for Polk County Supervisor. The Iowa Federation of Labor was supporting a person who was a small business owner. He was running against Representative Tom Baker. Tom Baker’s record with Labor over the years in the Iowa House of Representatives was impeccable. When I was asked to support the business owner, I said I was confused. Didn’t Baker have a Labor record as opposed to his opposition? I remained an alternate delegate.

[1] The endorsement process consisted of the IFL’s Executive Board meeting the night before the convention and making recommendations for the delegates to adopt.

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Sneak Peek

Posted on July 11, 2023 by Marty Ryan

There was no better rite of passage from childhood innocence to arrogant adolescence in the 1960s than to see how many kids you could stuff into the trunk of a car and sneak into the drive-in movies.

Bub had a car in which several guys got stuffed into his trunk about a half mile from the entrance to the Denison Drive-In Theater. Bub drove and I sat in the passenger seat. The trunk was so full of bodies that the bumper was bouncing off the ground as he drove up the dirt lane to the ticket booth. As Bub and I paid to enter the movie, I could tell that the owner suspected we were sneaking in a few. Just how many, she didn’t know.

The idiots in the trunk were fighting, farting, and fidgeting as we approached the gate. Bub and I tried to tell them to shut up, but I can’t say we were very successful. At last, we pulled into the parking space and opened the trunk. The movie was irrelevant. I doubt any of us watched it.

Once the movie was over, we jammed everyone into the front and back seats and drove into Denison. At the time, the Holiday convenience store had this brilliant idea to rent Honda S90 motorcycles. A Honda S90 was about the smallest motorbike ever made. It might be able to go 60 mph down a level stretch of highway if the wind was behind you. Holiday had two available Hondas for rent that evening.

Besides Bub, Honcho and Hot Dog were the only two of our group that had drivers’ licenses. In the mid-sixties, you didn’t need a motorcycle license to drive one. Quite frankly, we didn’t even have probationary drivers’ licenses back then. Any license worked. It may have cost an insurance fee of $25 to rent the Honda, and it was refunded if the bike came back in original form. There was also a nonrefundable fee for renting the bike for an hour. Gas was no problem; you could drive for hours on a quarter’s worth of leaded gas.

Honcho and Hot Dog rented the two bikes and took off up the hill with a bit of difficulty. If you have ever been to Denison, you would know that the streets north of Highway 30 were almost 45 degrees, and these little motorbikes struggled to make it to the top.

The rest of us waited, doing whatever bored teenagers do in a gas station parking lot on a warm summer night. While we were standing around Bub’s car, the drive-in owner and a sheriff’s deputy pulled into the Holiday lot. She got out of the car, mad as hell. She started yelling at us before the deputy calmed her down.

“I know you snuck a bunch into the movie in the trunk of the car. But I’m going to turn you in to this deputy unless you give me back the speaker you broke off as you left, and also, you are going to have to go back and clean up your mess!”

About that time, Honcho and Hot Dog came down the hill, saw what was going on, and turned around to go back up the hill. The rest of us got into Bub’s car and drove back out to the drive-in, followed by the deputy. We didn’t know about the speaker. We found it a few yards from where we had parked during the movie. I’m not even sure it was our group that tore it off. I couldn’t believe the mess we made. There must have been a garbage scow of litter within several feet of where we had parked during the movie. It was obvious to the owner that we spent a considerable amount of money on hot dogs, hamburgers, popcorn, candy, drinks, etc. at the concession stand.

We cleaned up the mess, handed the speaker over to whomever, and headed back into town to the Holiday station. Honcho and Hot Dog were laughing their butts off. They thought it was funny. It wasn’t. Especially for me. I was in the front seat of the car and had to pay with my own money to get into the fleapit.

The lesson learned: Next time I should be in the trunk. But I never got the chance.

*************************

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The Cost of Doing Business

Posted on June 22, 2023 by Marty Ryan

“The punishment should fit the crime” is a cliché that was popular years ago, but seems to have disappeared from today’s conversations on justice.

Usually, a penalty is attached to the creation of a new law, but occasionally it’s either ignored or set so low that it becomes a gnat in the cost of doing business.

The Iowa Department of Natural Resources fined an Eastern Iowa farmer $5,000 because he changed his swine Concentrated Animal Feeding Operation (CAFO) from pigs to a cattle feedlot operation without first obtaining a permit to do so. His excuse – he “didn’t know” he needed a new permit. The farmer agreed to pay the $5,000 penalty and to apply for a construction permit amendment. Be assured that the construction permit will be approved by the DNR. If the $5,000 fine had been a deterrent, the farmer would have ditched the plan to convert.

The Iowa Ethics and Campaign Disclosure Board is attempting to reel in thousands of dollars in fines levied against candidates that have gone unpaid. Candidates’ responses include: “I didn’t know” or “the process of filing” reports is “riddled with technical difficulties.” However, media reports seem not to follow up on whether candidates are ponying up their financial responsibilities, making the value of a potential deterrent nothing more than political capital.

Fareway Stores refuse to accept can and bottles for redemption “to minimize potential harm to the communities we serve.” Never mind that the law specifically requires the corporation to accept redeemable containers. But according to Iowa’s former Attorney General, there is no penalty for flouting the law on bottle and can redemption. Moreover, the company does not have to employ another person to maintain bottle and can redemption services, the purchase or rental of automatic recycling machines, nor provide space for redeemed recyclables. Each of those factors add up to a windfall for Fareway. As it is with many corporate decisions, the spin is in front, the reality is in the rear. Savings is the bottom line.

POET Bioprocessing, a bioethanol company based in South Dakota, has been fined the maximum administrative penalty of $10,000 by the Iowa Department of Natural Resources for ongoing violations involving failure to maintain equipment that has led to air pollution at its Iowa Falls plant, resulting in “repeatedly” emitting harmful chemicals. Recently, POET has reported $8 billion in annual revenue. The fine amounts to one-tenth of a one percent bite into the company’s profit. That’s comparable to a person earning $50,000 a year being fined two-tenths of one cent for a speeding violation. Is it any wonder why POET didn’t appeal the fine? It’s the cost of doing business.

Some penalties exist for the pure political posturing of elected officials. House File 595 increases the penalties for certain crimes involving fentanyl, sometimes doubling the prison term. Although fentanyl can be a dangerous street drug, increasing penalties to combat the manufacture, sale, and distribution of the drug is a politically practical solution that has extraordinarily little value as a deterrent. The real autocracy in the governor signing the bill is her statement where she “blamed the Biden administration’s handling of the U.S.-Mexico border for the influx of fentanyl-laced pills.”

Anyone who believes fentanyl is being smuggled into the U.S. by individuals stashing pills into their pockets does not have a perception of reality. According to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, fentanyl is “smuggled through official border crossings, often in vehicles driven by U.S. citizens.” But Iowa’s governor wants you to believe that it is Hispanic immigrants that are to blame for the infusion of dangerous drugs in America, and especially Iowa.

Some laws fail to provide any sort of penalty. For instance, State Representative Bobby Kaufmann (R-Wilton) introduced a bill (House File 716) as Chair of the House Ways and Means Committee that requires a person participating in the political caucus to be physically present at the caucus. So, the question arises, what will the penalty be if the Iowa Democratic Party proceeds with its plan to retain “the mail-in provision in its new plan” for the 2024 caucuses? Since there is no penalty at the state level, the otherwise brilliant political tactic created by Rep. Kaufmann becomes moot.

It all comes down to this. Deterrence does not work in all cases. If money is involved, the deterrent value is equal to the cost of doing business. A decision to comply with a penalty is recommended by the legal department of a corporation discussing the potential results with the accounting department and submitting the exhortation to upper-level management to decide as to whether “the punishment fits the crime.”

Sort of makes you wonder if the slight penalties in statutes that affect the wealthy and corporations are soft on white collar crime.

*** This article first appeared in The Prairie Progressive‘s Summer edition ***

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