When I was 19-years-old, I purchased a 1954 Ford 2-door station wagon from Tom & Brian Dieter.\u00a0 They had nicknamed it \u201cThe Green Latrine\u201d.\u00a0 The entire wagon was green \u2013 a green I can\u2019t describe.\u00a0 It may have been close to blue-green, but that\u2019s stretching it.\u00a0 It was an ugly green that made the car stand out.\u00a0 I loved it.<\/p>\n
The Dieter boys got $60 out of me for that unique antique.\u00a0 I had never seen one quite like it, and I may have seen only one like it since (50 years).\u00a0 The exterior was in pretty good shape.\u00a0 The interior of the vehicle was fairly decent, also.\u00a0 The engine did burn about a quart of oil every 500 miles, but I didn\u2019t plan on taking a long trip, and oil wasn\u2019t that expensive.\u00a0 It was a good piece of transportation; one of the best automobiles I\u2019ve ever owned.\u00a0 However, I have to give my 1998 Ford Explorer a better rating.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had it for over 15 years and 170,000 miles.\u00a0 I got my money\u2019s worth out of both Fords.<\/p>\n
One winter\u2019s night, Mike Ruch, John DeVolld and I were traveling along country roads west of Vail, Iowa, when Mike and I got into an argument.\u00a0 Next thing you know, we\u2019re upside down in the ditch.\u00a0 Alcohol may have had influence.\u00a0 The three of us walked into town, a little over a mile and one-half; Mike and I arguing all the way.<\/p>\n
The car was towed out of the ditch the next day.\u00a0 I can\u2019t remember who helped, but I do recall being grateful.\u00a0 That\u2019s what people do in small towns, they help each other in need.\u00a0 Everyone was surprised when I turned the ignition and the engine started up right away.\u00a0 It seemed to be running smoother.\u00a0 As a matter-of-fact, I never had to put oil in it again \u2013 ever.\u00a0 The Green Latrine would be a model of oil efficiency.\u00a0 Someone explained the phenomenon to me, but I\u2019m not going to repeat it because I doubt the accuracy of the knowledge, as well as its source.<\/p>\n
I drove that car around town for several months without a windshield, windshield wipers, a bumper and the doors wired shut.\u00a0 It could have been weeks as opposed to months, but as the memory fades the tales get longer.\u00a0 Actually, the windshield wipers did work, but what good where they if there was no windshield?\u00a0 Someone bent them back (or forward) so that they were sticking out toward the front of the car\u2019s hood.<\/p>\n
That car saw so many parties, especially after it was damaged.<\/p>\n
On a nice April afternoon, Jim DeVolld, Jim Malloy and I acquired a case of beer.\u00a0 I believe Honcho (Devold) bought it since he was home on leave from the Marine Corps after serving his first tour of duty there as a grunt.\u00a0 If I was 19, he had to have been 21.\u00a0 The case was put into the folded down back seat, which made the entire back of the wagon a cargo area.<\/p>\n
We decided to head out of town.\u00a0 I pulled onto Highway 30 heading southwest.\u00a0 About that time, traveling northeast was an Iowa Highway Patrolman.\u00a0 \u201cShit!\u201d We all said in unison.\u00a0 The Green Latrine was a manual transmission (gear shift on the steering column).\u00a0 I went through those gears like I was Mario Andretti.\u00a0 \u201cGive \u2018er hell, MT!\u201d\u00a0 Honcho yelled at me.\u00a0 [One of my nicknames was MT \u2013 don\u2019t know if that\u2019s because my first two names begin with those letters, or because of the way I did things sometimes in which it seemed as though the brain was MT.]\u00a0 The State Trooper had turned around, turned on his lights, and turned on the muscle in the interceptor\u2019s engine.<\/p>\n
My foot was to the floorboard as we headed out toward Tracy North\u2019s place southwest of Vail.\u00a0 When we approached the dirt road heading west, I slowed enough to make the turn on two wheels.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s gaining on us!\u201d \u201cStomp on it!\u201d\u00a0 And several other cheers kept me going and seeing nothing but dust in the rearview mirror, one of the car\u2019s rare amenities at the time.<\/p>\n
One more mile on the dirt road and I made a hard right.\u00a0 I almost rolled it again, but kept fish-tailing for a few hundred feet before I straightened it out and hit the foot feed hard.\u00a0 About that time, the patrolman was right on my ass.\u00a0 His patrol car wasn\u2019t even eating dust he was so close.<\/p>\n
I said: \u201cThis is it, guys.\u201d\u00a0 And I pulled over.<\/p>\n
I can no longer remember his exact name.\u00a0 Robert Hansen, Donald Hansen, Hanson, or whatever.\u00a0 His name stuck in my head for years.\u00a0 Lately, I have forgotten it, precisely.\u00a0 \u201cOfficer\u201d is what I called him as he approached the driver-side door. \u201cLicense and registration?\u201d\u00a0 Yeah, I had that stuff.\u00a0 \u201cWill you step out of the car?\u201d\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t do that.\u00a0 I had to crawl out of the driver-side window.\u00a0 The doors were wired shut.\u00a0 He had me get into the patrol car on the passenger side.<\/p>\n
While he was paging through an Iowa Code book, I struck up a conversation with him.\u00a0 I found out that it was his first day on the job alone, and I was his first stop.\u00a0 After what seemed like 30 to 40 minutes, he gave me a citation.\u00a0 He went back to the car with me and he made the Jims hand him the beer.\u00a0 He confiscated it.<\/p>\n
I looked at the ticket.\u00a0 \u201cNo windshield wipers.\u201d\u00a0 He told me to take it easy driving back to town, to park the car, and never get in it again.\u00a0 No windshield, no bumper (with the license plate attached), tried to elude, speeding, ran a stop sign, possession of beer as a minor, and he gives me a ticket for \u201cNo windshield wipers\u201d.\u00a0 Wow!<\/p>\n
I brought the ticket with me to court.\u00a0 The magistrate said \u201cI heard about this car.\u00a0 What are you going to do about it?\u201d\u00a0 I told him that I was entering the U.S. Navy at the end of the month, and that I had sold the car for $5 to a person who wanted it for soil erosion in a creek bed \u2013 all true!\u00a0 He tore up the ticket and told me to stay clean until I was in the military.<\/p>\n
Epilogue<\/strong><\/p>\n Jim DeVolld (Honcho) went back to serve another tour of duty in Vietnam.\u00a0 He was honorably discharged from the Marines about the same time I was honorably discharged from the U.S. Army (I know, it\u2019s another story how I was to enter the Navy and ended up in the Army).\u00a0 Honcho died in the Crawford County Jail after an \u201calleged\u201d suicide.\u00a0 Another story for another time.<\/p>\n Jim Malloy (Jocko) entered the Navy about a year after the Green Latrine\u2019s last run.\u00a0 He is currently a resident of the Iowa Veterans Home in Marshalltown.\u00a0 I visit him once a month.<\/p>\n Leaving work at Farmland Foods in Denison one night around midnight (working the evening shift), I saw flashing red lights reflected in my rearview mirror.\u00a0 I pulled into the Super Value parking lot along Highway 30.\u00a0 \u201cLicense and registration?\u201d\u00a0 Yeah, I had that stuff.\u00a0 \u201cYou have a taillight out.\u00a0 You want to come back to the car with me?\u201d\u00a0 He was going to give me a fix-it ticket.\u00a0 It was Officer Hansen.\u00a0 I asked if he remembered me.\u00a0 \u201cVaguely\u201d, he said.\u00a0 I talked about the day the Green Latrine was put to rest and his memory of the event slowly crept into his memory, but I think he wanted to forget it.\u00a0 I struck up a conversation.\u00a0 It was his last night on the job.\u00a0 He was retiring early because of a health problem.<\/p>\n I asked him if he could make me the last stop of the night.\u00a0 You know, to say that I was his first and last stop.\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t make that commitment.<\/p>\n The Green Latrine is lying in the bottom of a creek bed somewhere approximately 4 miles south of Vail.<\/p>\n I wish I would have taken better care of it.\u00a0 I wish I could have afforded to stow it away somewhere until I had enough money to fix it up.\u00a0 Of course, it would be stowed there, yet.<\/p>\n I learned a lot from owning the Green Latrine.\u00a0 Get a Ford!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When I was 19-years-old, I purchased a 1954 Ford 2-door station wagon from Tom & Brian Dieter.\u00a0 They had nicknamed it \u201cThe Green Latrine\u201d.\u00a0 The entire wagon was green \u2013 a green I can\u2019t describe.\u00a0 It may have been close … Continue reading